The M Word

November 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

Most of what I’m writing here seems tied to what I’m working on personally, internally, and that’s a little strange for me, because I didn’t intend for this site to be all about that – to be so serious or quite so… personal. I can be a very private person. I don’t know why it seems important to share some of this process. In part I am sure I am seeking a sort of validation or communion – there are times when it can feel like very lonely work. But I also think it has something to do with the M word.

I need (want) to know that my experience MATTERS. That my life matters. I think, when you strip it all down, this is a reason why many of us have children – what a beautiful way to matter. And this want (need) implies a spiritual slant that I am not entirely comfortable with. But I’m coming around to the realization that this thought pattern, and the questions themselves, are inherently spiritual (so it’s time for me to get over it already).

I’m not even talking about the heavy questions of where we come from and where we go; is there (a) god(s) and what does that mean to me, I have drawn the conclusion (in my limited human mind) that these are unknowables. I’m talking about love. I can explain my body and my digestive system and my being alive as a function of biology. But I cannot explain where my personality comes from. What makes me, me. Emotion, I can’t explain that with math. Humanity. LOVE. But because of these mysteries that don’t have a pat answer, it seems even more important to make the most of this time, this LIFE. I don’t know how this works really – finding purpose/meaning – or the best way to go about it. I have some ideas – the general path that T & I are on addresses this (service, sustainability..) But, with this need (want) circling in my head, it seems ever more urgent to move on from our current state.

How do I live in a way that matters while I’m fulfilling my financial obligations? Isn’t everyday life and experience where this is all built? Don’t the simplest of actions MATTER? My yoga & meditation teaches me all about this, and that yes, everything I do matters. Whether it is done well, with awareness, or not. So damn, I am struggling to be more AWARE. To be present to anyone I’m interacting with (and to myself). To listen as hard as I can, to shut my own mouth and quiet my busy mind when doing so – to give out the best of myself. Because right now, with a job where it’s difficult to find meaning, in a living situation that challenges my values, this is all I can really give.

Closing comments on this, because this may sound like I am feeling down or need reassurance, and that’s not the case. I’m truly just thinking out loud and trying to explain why I’m writing about way deeper stuff than I intended to (the process itself is going way deeper than maybe I expected, in fact). I’m appreciating where I am. I’m determined. I need to work on this basic stuff NOW in the relative comfort of my current situation, because if I can’t do that here, I’m don’t know how it will work when things actually get hard… Thank you for being here and for reading, that matters an awful lot to me.

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