Rough Day/Good Life

March 7, 2011 § 2 Comments

Irrational. Imperfect. Noticing. It can be hard to control even when I AM aware of the thing that is taking place, the habit or reaction. So I try to breathe. I allow myself the emotion. I didn’t used to do that. I pull out my pen and rage a bit, letting it out. I feel guilty in the act of writing my anger. But I say, I will allow myself this. It doesn’t matter if it is rational or not, it is there and must be acknowledged. I let go and have some angry tears. And then I come back to my breath. Rough Day, I say. And then, Haven’t had one of those in awhile.

Wow. There’s a shift. I remember suddenly that I used to say this a lot. An awful lot. “Rough Day, Rough Week…”

I think my definition of a Rough Day has changed. I think now it has more to do with how I’m handling myself than the fact that I spilt milk on myself and am late for work and had a last minute meeting scheduled for which I don’t have time and am ill-prepared. These things don’t often phase me any more. But when they do, my day seems more colored by my handling of all the silly little mishaps than it is by the fact that they happened. The fact that I was irrational and was aware enough to know it, but not quite strong enough to change it or prevent it from spilling over into an important relationship. It seems now that irrationality, anger, tears should be for more weighty things. But they still come from time to time. And I work on being accepting of them, of myself clothed in them… And then they begin to soften and break down. The guilt comes next and I treat it the same. I have learned that holding it back makes it worse, beating myself up makes me hardened, and that it takes a lot of slow breathing and work to be kind to myself. (It’s worth it.)

ETA: This post is brought to you by my sweet cat, who stepped on my iphone & apparently hit publish. No joke.

§ 2 Responses to Rough Day/Good Life

  • Rachel says:

    This post makes complete sense to me…and I need to come back and read it when I have a bit more time to really think of it. But I love the concept that whether or not a day is ‘rough’ or not depends not on what happened but on how you let it affect you. I can totally see that in my life…now I just need to ask myself the question…what changes day to day with respect to how I react?

    • Mel says:

      Poor T got the brunt on this day 😦 it was worse than spilled milk, but not bad enough for my reaction. I still feel a little upset about it when I remember. I’ve been referring to this type of feeling as being “rough around the edges” or “raw” – it gives me a name for that point when I start to sense that I’m going to have trouble reigning in my emotions or reactions for any reason, and it gives me permission to BE a little sensitive, I guess. Not to excuse it and not to dodge anything – but acknowledging and noticing that I’m not in the best headspace for dealing with whatever the minor thing is, and might not be entirely rational at the moment… I didn’t used to want to be raw in front of anyone (or even myself) – but the acknowledgment seems to allow for that separation and compassion from myself – and from the other person as well (allowing myself to be human, hey?!). It seems to be helping, at least when I can catch that moment and call it what it is before it snowballs out of hand!

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