THIS is why I do this.

I love the humbling moments in my physical practice. They always serve as a potent reminder of why I do this at all.

I touch a pose I’ve been working on for a solid year – of my own accord without assist(!) – and my human mind that has been working so patiently, steadfastly, suddenly reaches out for the future…. A week, two weeks, it will be mine. But then I remember as I come back again. Nope, not how it works.

Two weeks later I am still only catching glimpses here and there. Two weeks later I am ever-so-slightly stronger, the tiniest bit more in control (and in awe) of strange and deep parts of my body I’d never spoken with (Hello ankles. Pleased to make your acquaintance). Two weeks later, I remember (again) that this is how it works. The only sure thing is that when (or if) I can ever “do” this one thing, it will change. It will be different each time. I will still be learning, growing, refining (always). I will still fall (and lick my wounds, and get back up). THIS is how LIFE works. THIS is why I do this.

My body is my teacher. Through this skin & muscle & bones, this heartbeat and lungs, I learn to be present in the beautiful moments all along the way. I learn to set my aim and work diligently, but I also learn patience, I learn to revel in the joy of the experience – in the pose – on the way there – or the loss of gravity on the way down. I learn to love (this moment, my fear, my SELF), I learn to let go and I learn to LIVE. This, is why I do this.

Take the Next Step

Today I’m focussing on taking the next step (my intention/sankalpa). While I have the first, harder (far scarier!) actions behind me and a bit of momentum, I must keep moving. Which requires it’s own kind of steady courage, even when the steps are small. Taking the time to acknowledge and re-focus is helpful. Resisting dreaming about possible outcomes as they continue to shift, and doing one thing. I sat down this morning with this on my mind, and practiced. Sit, Breathe, Intend, Move:

Down Dog/Adho Mukha Svanasana
Forward Fold/Uttanasana (Walking hands back to feet at the back of the mat)
½ Forward Fold/Ardha Uttanasana (Sev. Rounds)
½ Sun Salutes
Swan dive up – Hand to Big Toe Pose/utthita hasta padangusthasana d with arms extended overhead– right leg extended.
Big step forward, shift the left leg back as the torso comes forward
Warrior III/Virabhadrasana III – few breaths
Shift back up – Hand to Big Toe Pose/utthita hasta padangusthasana d with arms extended overhead – left leg extended.
Big step forward, shift the right leg back as the torso comes all the way forward
Standing Split – Right leg extended – Few breaths
Open to Ardha Chandrasana – Few breaths
Uttanasana
Vinyasa – Plank, Chaturanga, Cobra, Down Dog.
Repeat other side.

Breathe. Sit. Courage. No matter if the balance is shaky (or non-existent, in my case this morning!). Intend. Aim. Take the next step. A baby one or a big one. Today, I will make contact on a service project I am longing to do.

What is your next step?

Full, 2nd ed.

SO grateful: (The teaching edition. That’s where I’m at this week.)

-Hearing how like my mother I am from an old friend who loved her well
-Yoga Teacher Training (AND) Only ONE more month of it (sad/happy)
-My amazing partner – and all his help & support with the above
#TeachNow (HUGE shifts. Shaking up my world. Again.)
-Taught my first class and so grateful for SO many things:
…..No one died, was injured, went into labor, or asked for a refund.
…..My teachers, especially D, for offering up her class and for assisting
…..Kind/open/attentive students
…..An opportunity to do something useful.
…..I learned SO much.
-History. Personal, familial, general.
-Words. Pens. Paper. Keys.
-Encouragement, faith and support of friends.
-Live Music! J. Roddy Walston & The Business; Midtown Dickens; S. Carey… Lots of others upcoming (Abigail Washburn, Mumford & Sons, Maybe something else even that I’m forgetting? SO LUCKY to have so much amazing music here)

Thoughtful Reading, etc:

TED talk by Sarah Kay
Spoken word, project VOICE, simply one of the best TED talks I’ve seen. Please watch this.

The Perils of Success
The perils of Success. Writing and yoga and, well, everything.

Three Breaths
An honestly beautiful account of practice.

Mom battles Demons, Wins
“We don’t always need to be woken up as much as we need to be validated” About night terrors, and, well… Everything.

Start
“Starting is a sacred act.”

Where are you at this week? Anything you’re particularly grateful for today? Best soulful read this week? I’d love to hear.

Teaching/Learning/Serving?

I had a practice student last weekend. It went quite well, I think. Not perfectly (not that there’s any such thing). I felt ill-prepared*. I think I talked a bit too much. I may not have understood that one thing she said (ask, Mel, ask), but on the whole, it was a great experience. Then I spent the afternoon feeling a bit fragile, instead of gleeful. I wondered why and am unpacking it a bit.

She was kind, open. She answered my questions and asked her own. She worked hard, was very focussed, had beautiful breath. She approached both the things she likes and the ones that she doesn’t willingly, intentionally. She donated her practice time to be “taught” by me, and she taught me about how to teach.

[I did not want to be a teacher] but in these baby steps, practice teaching one on one with willing volunteers (T & Erin, I love you, thank you for giving me safe space to try), and then branching out to people that I don’t know as well or at all really, I start to see the value. Teaching is a whole other level of practice. It’s attempting to be fully present for someone else (and trying again and again in each new moment), to offer what might be useful or helpful. Sharing experience, questions, and keeping myself open to learning too.

It’s so scary to say this now, that I want to teach [I want to teach] – to open myself to trying with all my heart at this thing, acknowledging the possibility of failure – of many failures… teaching by definition will offer many *cough* opportunities! And it feels kind of crazy to put myself in the position of helping someone else when I’m clearly still working through my own stuff (and beginning to understand that it’s a never-ending process).

I feel like I am laying claim to a bit of my future, where I take responsibility for the connection that I feel by serving in a more direct manner.  I think this is the piece that is more terrifying, because this is something that I’ve wanted for a long time (longer than I realized). This weekend, I felt a little bit like, here it is, I’m doing it. In this tiny, real way. Right NOW (not “someday” anymore). A little piece of freedom, my future, my dream – and not the idealized soft-focus version. It’s terrifying AND exciting all at the same time. I was tearful and thoughtful and grateful all afternoon.

Bet my student didn’t know she had that effect on me.

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*I also felt trust (somehow!). I talked my ranting skeptic into listening to Jen Louden & Michele Lisenbury Christensen’s Teach Now module for just a few minutes – but I loved the whole thing and I’m so grateful for the gift of their time and energy (It’s free dude. Seriously.) Here is one of the biggest takeaways for me, and the one that helped me Sunday: I am the transmitter for this hour – but “there is more in support of our students than just us – trust that they will get what they need. I am not the source of this” – The teaching is in service to the material, the concepts, and the student. It’s not all up to me (What?! Yes, I KNOW!). What a relief!

But, how does it WORK?

I’ve read all sorts of great articles. And a few great books too. And the truth is, I’m still not really sure how all this stuff works. And by “stuff” I mean the yoga, the meditation, the practice. I have some theories, but nothing concrete to back it up really, except for my own experience.

Physiologically, neurologically, spiritually even, it’s over my head for now. I don’t think I can absorb it yet. Or maybe ever.

Do I really need to know?

If what I’m doing in my life is still far from what I dream, but my life itself is undoubtedly richer, happier and healthier… If I am still all too imperfect myself, but able to see glimpses of the beauty in that, do I really need to know how it works?

No. I don’t. I don’t need to know how exactly this is working in my life to know that it is.

(Will I keep trying to understand? I think we both know the answer to that!)